GOAL!

I did it! I finished my goal of writing 50,000 words in 30 days. I even wrote more! Yes! I am in the revising stage of the book now. I have printed off a copy and am going to put in an order that make sense and complete the text. It is a wonderful feeling to set a goal and achieve it, I have actually written a book!

I think the story is pretty good and something that will catch the reader's attention and I have all the characters complete. Once I put the text back in order, I will be able to finish writing the rest of it. It was difficult to keep everything in order while I was writing with the end of November approaching so fast. Did you know 30 days is not very long at all when you have to write 1,666 words per day. Just think what happens when you miss a day, and I did, the number of words doubles then triples, etc.

This was an amazing experience though. I have said for a couple of years now that I wanted to try writing a book, but really I never did think I would ever accomplishe the task. I kept starting and get stuck and start again, blah, blah, blah. But, I did it.

My mom was a great source of support! I talked to her about it and she was very encouraging and so was my husband. My dad was very supportive and I think he is going to help me with the grammatical stuff. Mom and I are going to do editing and revising at least before I try sending out for publishing refusals. Ha! Ha!

NaNoWriMo was an excellent site! Without them I would never have even been able to do the book at all! I loved all of their emails and support. I can't wait to see this whole thing through.

Keep checking to see what happens, here! Remember, Setting Goals is the Key!

The Word Race is On!!!

I have started and am keeping up with the daily word count. I can't believe how fun it is to write a novel. I am even able to keep to a single topic. Yes!!! I am. The count is now 9150 words and working. The story is still ongoing and the characters still have umph!! I have no idea if anyone else will want to read the novel but guess what?.? It doesn't matter at least I am writing it.

This one is not a funny story I will try to make the next story funny. I have a point to make with this novel. This is a story I have to tell, thou it is only loosely based on reality there are some real points to the story. I hope it is a worth story. But it is what it is, it is begun.....

I Have Begun!!

The time is now! I have begun writing the novel I have said I wanted to write for several years now. I am going to get it all out in a novel. I started writing it November 1st, yesterday!!!! I have just over 4000 words. The goal is 50,000 words by November 30. It is a writing contest of sorts. November is National Writing month and writers all over the world are writing their novels this month.

That is all I have to do. All I have to do???? Yes, I am going to do it. 4,055 words and counting. I have characters and I even have a plot. Wow, I am a writer. Who would have ever thought???

My sister was the writer of the two of us. But, I know I can do it. I have something I want to share with everyone and writing is the way to do it. So everyone hold on to your pants you are getting ready to share a month of mad dash writing with me. I will probably share a few crazy moments with you.

A Fresh Outlook

It is time to focus on writing, it has been too long since my last post.

The other day I was sitting in the passenger's seat as my son was driving, (Yes! He is driving now!!!) Thinking about how quickly life just passes us by. We were in no rush to get anywhere but it seemed like everyone else was in a hurry to get to their destination. He asked me, "Mom, Why is everyone driving so fast when the speed limit is only 45?"

Six months ago I was getting ready to walk down the aisle to marry my husband. I was anxious and excited by having my family with me and being in downtown Charleston with all the historic beauty on a glorious Saturday. A month later we had the death of my sister that landed us all flat. Then if we had not gone through enough, my mother had surgery which came out well only to result in a near fatal case of staff infection.

My family has dealt well with the trials of this past year. My mother is up and finally back to herself. We are all greatful for the many blessings that we have. I am amazed at how quickly time flies by and at how we all try to rush through life forgetting to look at the stars or smell the fresh flowers.

I continue to want to make an impact on others lives and want to share how I indeed continue to be recovered, but am still haunted by the thoughts of what could have been if I was still coping with my stress through eating disorders or other disordered behavior. Writing my thoughts down is one way to deal with stress, it is also a way for me to share with you what it took for me to overcome.

Why I Wake Early

Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety---

best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light---
good morning, good morning, good morning.

Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.

---Mary Oliver

Mindful

Every day
I see or I hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the hay stack
of light.
It is what I was born for--
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world--
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant--
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these--
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

--Mary Oliver

Surviving

Wow! What a crazy week. My family and I have made it through yet another crisis, my mother ended up in the hospital this week with a staph infection in the incision where she had her back surgery three weeks ago. My father had taken her into the emergency room with a fever and difficulty breathing last Sunday, only to be told she was having anxiety and depression, but when I saw them I realized that her temperature was very high. We took it and found that it had risen to 103.9. We gave her Tylenol and later Ibuprofen. Monday my father ended up taking her to another emergency room, MUSC, she was admitted and tests were taken confirming staph. Mom was prepped for surgery Tuesday and given strong medications. We have once again battled what could have resulted in a horrible tragedy, but were thankfully spared.

It has taken days, but mom is almost herself again, and Dad is taking great care of her. I have been enormously inspired by my parents and the love that they show each other and the care my father has shown my mother during this trial. It will be impossible to ever question the love he has for her ever. He still calls her his bride, to this day and means it, which to me is a lovely endearment. The sparkle in his eye when he talks about her makes me almost blush, he is my father after all. I wonder often if my mom even realizes how much my father loves her and talks about her, how much he thinks about her and cherishes her very being.

When my parents took their vows they truly meant them, they have gone through thicker and thinner, richer and poorer, illnes and health. My parents have seen the good times and the bad. I love them very much and could not be happier to say they are my parents and two of my best friends. My parents are my role models as a married couple as survivors for many reasons. I hope to survive the many trials of life that they have with the grace and honor that they have. They are proud and honorable and I love them, they are my parents and I hope they are as proud of me as I am of them. I have survived my difficulties because I had their love and I respect every word of advice and bit of love they have given me.

A Treasure Lost

An Earthbound treasure was lost today
God felt that His heaven needed a counselor
Someone who had experienced the tribulations of life
Someone who could help those who had lost their way

Looking down from above He made His selection
One of few years, but the experience of ages
Youth is but a word
He knew He had made the right choice

The call was made and answered
A mother lost to Earth
A mother called to Heaven
Children left to grieve

The lifeless form discovered
The call to 911
Answered by child, father and mother
An Earthbound treasure lost

Our God has needs in heaven
Needs not fathomable on earth
Selections though questionable
Are accepted with a sadness

In Heaven there is a presence
One who has experienced the joys of life
One who has experienced the pains of life
One who can explain the meaning of life

Those arriving with questions
Now have a source of counsel
Someone to take them in tow
To comfort and quiet them

Our loss on Earth is a plus in Heaven
Our daughter and mother
Awaits those needing comfort
As they enter the haven of Heaven

Love, Dad May 30, 2009

Excitement and Change

Last week my husband, son and I decided we were going to move back to Charleston, SC. We had been talking about where we were going to be living for quite a few months and were having a difficult time making up our minds since Gary's job plans had been put on hold for the next few months. Chris, my son is 15 and has decided that he wants to go to a school that has a good junior ROTC program and wants to go to the school that his grandfather used to teach at in Charleston.

Through recovery, I learned that only way for me to achieve my goals was to set the goal and go step by step to achieve each goal. I had to be systemmatic in my process until I reached my goal, otherwise I would lose my way and not be able to achieve my goal. I am proud of Chris, he has learned to set goals and knows how to achieve them. He has set several goals in the past couple of years and been able to achieve them. He wanted to play baseball on the school team and he has done that, he wanted to receive all A's on his report card and he has also done that. My son has shown the ability to set a goal and reach it, he will do well in life.

Although there will be a lot of changes in our lives, I am looking forward to them. I am looking forward to the opportunities that my son will have by going to a school with a ROTC program. He will be able to have new opportunities that he would not have had a the smaller school that he was going to in Van Buren, OH. I am also excited to be back home to be close to my parents, my grandmother who is in a nursing home and my niece and nephew. My husband and I were hoping to move to Charleston soon and now we are and we are very happy. Life is full of exciting choices and changes, sometimes you just never know what is around the next bend.

I am still going to be finishing my Master's Degree in special education by October and may even find a new job prior to the new school year. I am excited by this, I did not even think I would have a job during this school year. There are several postings in Charleston County and maybe by the time I get my teaching license squared away with the state of SC there will be jobs available. I am still setting the achievable goals each and getting the things I have to do to get us moved this month so that we will be settled into the house we have rented by August.

The Beauty in Each Day

While I was learning about how to survive and gain my health back while I was so sick I had a terrible time understanding that each day was to be cherished. I was not even able to enjoy the fact that I was able to wake up each morning and see the sunlight. Once I was beginning to feel more health and think, "I am on the road to recovery," I began to believe the sayings, "Take thinks one day at a time" and "Enjoy each day you are given."

The first years that I lived in Ohio, I lied to myself and said that I was fully recovered from my bulimia, unfortunately that was not true, I was experiencing much of my bulimic behaviors throughout those years. The reality is that until my separation from my first husband, the freedom to become a fully functioning person who is comfortable with myself and able to freely express my thoughts and feelings without the need to delve into my addictive or disordered behaviors. Please do not mistake this as an implication that I am assigning blame to my former husband, I am not, the blame is solely my own, I am simply stating that I was finally comfortable and free enough to face myself, my fears and my faults and attempt to overcome the difficulties that I was having. I no longer had someone to lean on, I had to do for myself, I was determined to make it on my own. I decided that I had been "different" long enough. I wanted to be resourceful and resilient.

At the time of my separation, I was in terrible financial trouble, our debts had built up tremendously and I had no idea how to get out of this fiasco. I had to sell our house, downsize my car to one I hated and get an apartment, the first one I had ever had. I was on my own with my youngest son. I was excited to finally be on my own, but nervous because I never had been and was not sure how we were going to make it. I had bills out the wahzoo!!! Just beginning with the medical bills, to the house bills that were behind to the credit cards we had been living off of and now the expenses of the apartment. I had been using the budget my husband had set up and attempting to pay off small portions of the bills, everyone except the mortgage company was appeased. Once I was able to sell the house things began to look up, in small ways.

By January of 2008, I was having considerable difficulty having enough money for food. I did not want to ask my parents for any money, I knew they were having problems of their own. I decided at that time that I wanted to complete my master's degree in special education. I spoke with a couple of universities about their online programs and decided on the program that fit my needs and then applied for a student loan. I had never asked anyone for money, as part of my need to be able to do everything for myself I had always believed it was a failure of mine if I had to ask for anything, but I decided this time to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I was awarded financial aid for continuing my education, although I have to pay this money back, I was very excited.

Looking at the events that have led up to today, three classes away from graduation from my program, newly and happily married and enjoying each day for the special and different day that it is, I am amazed at the things that have led me here.

One Day at a Time

Today was a very productive day, one of those days that you can look back on and say, "Well, I did accomplish a lot today, even a little more that I thought I would!" My mom and I made an afternoon of running a lot of little errands that needed to be run. It was great spending the day with her and getting her out of the house before her surgery, Monday.

Both my mom and I have had similar reactions to the loss of my sister, I think, neither of us have been terribly motivated to go out and do very much or be around too many people, other than family. Being able to spend the day with my mom made it a great day in itself, but it was also a lovely warm day in Charleston. We drove to Mt. Pleasant to take money and a camera to my dad. He is in charge of a youth leadership conference that is taking place there this week, my son Christopher is taking part in the conference as a participant. It was a nice drive to Patriot's Point where the Yorktown is docked. There were many people visiting Patriot's Point and the area was very busy while we waited for my dad came out to the breezway to meet my mom and me.

We were also able to visit with my grandmother this afternoon, though during most of the visit the nurse's assistant was giving my grandmother a shower. Once we did get a chance to visit with her it was nice to see that she recognized who we were. She even was able to tell us what she wanted and what was wrong with her. The only problem that she was having today was that the words she was saying did not sound correct, I am not sure she has not had another small stroke. Mom commented that grandma's right sid was not moving right or was weaker than it had been earlier in the week. I was excited to see that she was happy to see us, she recognized us and she did recognize that she was in her own room.

Each day is a different day for me, some days are more difficult than others. I find that I have to take it one day at a time. When I was first in recovery I found that this was the only way to make it through each trial. I had to use self talk and reminders to help myself remember to take one step at a time or remember that I was worth recovery. It is not so difficult to make each day happy and wonderful now that I am recovered, but there are times when I still need to use that self talk or postive motivators to get through difficult times.

Hope

Hope is a wonderful thing,
Something to be cherished and nurtured,
And something that will refresh us in return.

And it can be found in each of us,
And it can bring light into the darkest of places.

Thinking

I was reading about the thinking of people with eating disorders, addictions and other obsessive thinking and found that many professionals think that the person with these disorders think that the thinking is all about the addiction itself. I think that this would be a faulty type of thinking, yes at some point it does become all about the addiction when the ill person is no longer able to "think rationally" and is actually ill. But, when the original cycle began the thinking of the anorexic or alcoholic was not all about I have to not eat because I am fat(even though in actuality my weight is 72 lbs.) or drink that next whisky because this may be the last drink I may ever have. There is an actual root of the problem that these professionals are not seeing. The anorexic or bulimic is possibly thinking of controlling weight only because at the root of their problem they have never felt like they have had control of anything and have never felt like they have been meaningful to anyone at all in their lifetime. By controlling their weight, the only thing they feel the can control they feel that they can control whether they are existing in this life or not. Their evidence in life is actually recorded by their size and existence, fading when not feeling meaningful and gaining when feeling somewhat more meaningful. The same holds true for other addictions. When a person is feeling more confident with themselves they are more likely not to exhibit their addictive behaviors, but when feeling more defensive and less confident they are likely to express their feelings throught their behaviors and addictive behaviors become more evident.

Quotes from recovering anorexics found on the website www.something-fishy.org that describe

If You Really Knew Me You'd Know That...

1. I desperately want to be accepted.
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle.
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am.
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. My eating disorder is not the problem; it is the symptom of my real problems.
8. Sometimes I want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes I just want you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard.
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the water down deep.
10. At the start of the next day, even before I brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop from hurting myself or anyone around me.
11. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self-love, the negativity, the criticisms, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease.
12. I really do care about you more than you will ever know.
to be continued....

A Child's Faith

I have lacked direction and not been doing as I had originally planned with this blog... Now it is time to tell the story I was going to tell, rather that aimlessly drone on about a variety of subjects.

I have few memories of growing up, but the few I have are mostly happy ones, family vacations to Disney, Christmas, going to the circus or day trips to tour a plantation. My family and I did not go to church every Sunday, but we did spend each Sunday together and somehow through the years I know they instilled a very solid faith in me. By the time I was a teenage girl I knew that I had a very good relationship with God, I knew He loved me and was looking after me. Like all teenagers though I did not feel secure in who I was. I had questions about myself and did not feel comfortable with my changing body and the awkwardness of being a teenage girl.

I was a quiet person and often stayed in my room reading and listening to music. I did not have many friends and my sister had many. My family moved around a lot because my father was a Navy helocopter pilot and as easy as it was for my sister to make friends it was that difficult for me to make them. I was shy and quiet and uncomfortable around strangers and never was good at making small talk.

When I was older I continued to look and look and believe that God was there for me. Even at my very lowest point and lonliest days I knew that I was not really alone. I did go to church with my grandmother while I was in college while we were living together. One day while I was there I was amazed by a realization that God was speaking to me and saying that I was loved and that I was needed here on earth to still do something. I did not yet understand what I had to do, but I knew that my time was not over. We had a friend in that church who moved me tremendously. He was the most giving gentleman, he suffered from cancer for years but still gave to the chuch by seating and greeting people each Sunday he even made the most beautiful painted pins for everyone in the church at Christmas. I still remember the generosity of this wonderful man, he was very inspiring.

Sisterly Love

I have spent several days now with my parents, son, niece and nephew. The visit has gone very well and I have been happy to have this time to spend with them. Although everyone is still dealing with the loss of my sister in different ways, we are all able to talk and share our feelings with each other. We found out yesterday that Audra died of pneumonia, she had not gone to the doctor since being told she was having an anxiety attack and was not taking medication for a persistant cough.

My sister had been attempting to get her life back together by getting off of pain medication and attempting to re-establish her credit. She had a goal in life and taken the bull by the horns. She was a go getter and was determined to make her way in life. She was determined to survive no matter what.

This past April at my wedding I saw the sister I knew and loved. I saw the smile and bright shining eyes and I saw the spunk in her that I had not seen in some time. I knew she was going to make it and she did!!! My sister survived and made the step into a healthy new life. She was drug-free when she died and happy. She had her faith and knew what steps she was taking to take back her life. I believe she was successfully finding her path back to independence. Audra was a beautiful woman, fun to be with and always a great laugh. I miss her very much, she is, was and always will be my very best friend.

We had arguments like sisters do, but we always knew that we would always be there for each other. She and I were very centered with each other since the wedding. She was happy for me and I was very supportive of her. I have been very comforted by stories of my sister's recovery process and feel that she was confident in her recovery. I do wish my sister were here now, though. I want to share in her success and cry when we both stumble. I want to tell her about the children and just hold her. I miss just sitting with her and chatting. I want to tell her one more time how much I love her.

Grace

Today as I was driving I was listening to The Shack on CD and was once again inspired by the glory and grace of God. I have said before that it is by God's grace that I live, it is also by His grace that I love and am able to forgive. I love this life and hope to live it as fully and meaningfully and He wants me to live it. The Shack beautifully described the trinity and gave a grand description of a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If I was a gifted author this is how I would have described my relationship with the trinity. Through this glorious story, I was able to more fully realize my relationship with each and understand more fully how each fit into my life. When I was sick I searched and searched for a way to become well. I tried any way others would suggest in an attempt to gain wellness. I found the only way to get well for me was to put all my trust in God, I had to release all my control to Him and forgive myself and all others. I had to become completely humble in my life and realize that I was loved and worthy of being loved. This story is a very humbling story, it breaks relationships down to the simplest elements.

Let us come near to God with a sincere heart and sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience...    Hebrews 10:22

It is my belief that by God's grace we have been given this life as a gift and we should live it to the fullest and with the most honest heart and faith in God. We should live each day as if it was our last and if it was a gift, because it was and the people that we have in our lives are gifts to us as much as the breath we breathe. 

We should be grateful for the gifts that we have been given and say thank you often and exuberantly! 

Today was a warm, sunny, beautiful day. It was wonderful to be out with my family away from the house doing something besides working. We went to the park to take the canoe around the lake and then up the river. It was lovely to be outside and it was peaceful on the lake. Once we got out of the canoe we took a short hike up a path on that leads around the lake. This was a small state park near our apartment and we were only on the lake and river for about two hours. 

I still find my mind wandering a lot lately and can't really focus on any one particular thing. I still think a lot about my sister and really thought about her while I was walking through the woods. I have always loved taking hikes and seeing things in nature, she would not have enjoyed today unless she could have sunbathed. She loved a good tanning session. I love the peacefulness of nature and how we can observe without invading or intruding into an animal's life. 

I enjoyed today being able to walk along the path, I feel that that's what I am doing right now treading along a path trying to find my way. Friday, I found out that I only have three classes left to complete my master's degree. This is exciting for me, it is the completion of a degree I am attempting to complete for the second time. I was sidetracked once before by moving my family to Ohio when I only had two classes left to complete my degree. I have felt a little distracted these past few weeks, but I will complete my degree, it means too much to me. It is a goal I set for myself, I am still aiming for it and I intend to attain it. 

I am glad to have this diary, it does help me focus. I hope others out there will find this refreshing to know that there is hope and the power of positive thinking. I have my family, my mom and dad, my husband and two sons, a niece and a nephew, not to mention three dogs and two cats. I love them all very much!! 

To Go With The Flow

I have four days until I am officially unemployed and in some ways I find myself feeling a little panicky. I decided last year that I was not happy with my current position as a resource teacher and that I was going to go back to my roots in teaching children with severe and profound disabilities. I then decided that I was not completely happy being in the classroom and thought maybe I wanted to work primarily with families and children in a more holistic way. I have not completely meshed out how I am going to go with that. I was thinking about a respite care program that incorporated a center based and home based program. I want to serve children in the preschool setting as well as offer after school sessions that provide homework, reading and computer sessions. The computer sessions would provide lessons with math and reading comprehension and fluency. I also want to provide a  home based respite care program for families and care providers of children with disabilities and serious illness. Now that I am also working through other dreams I am trying to tie into my ideal job such as sharing how to live life to the fullest and healing fully from addiction, I guess I am hoping this diary will help me to work out my jumbled up life and feelings. If anyone out there has any wonderful ideas out there please feel free to share with me. I am very hopeful, but very confused. 

I Believe... That just because two people argue, thatdoesn't mean they don't love each other. 
 And just because they don'targue, that
 doesn't mean they do love each other. I Believe...
 That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,  
 but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I Believe...
 That we don't have to change friends if
 we understand that friends change. I Believe...
 That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I Believe....
 That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.I Believe... 
 That you can do something in an instant
 that will give you heartache for life. I Believe...
 That it's taking me a long time
 to become the person I want to be. I Believe...
 That you should always leave loved ones with
 loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I Believe... 
 That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I Believe...
 That we are responsible for what
 we do, no matter how we feel.   I Believe.....
 That either you control your attitude or it controls you.   I Believe...
 That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.  I Believe...
 That money is a lousy way of keeping score.   I Believe...
 That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time. I Believe...
 That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.    I Believe...
 That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.I Believe...
 That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe...
 That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I Believe...
 That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
 but we are responsible for who we become.   I Believe...
 That you shouldn't be so eager to find
 out a secret. It could change your life Forever.   I Believe...
 Two people can look at the exact same
 thing and see something totally different.   I Believe...
 That your life can be changed in a matter of
 hours by people who don't even know you.   I Believe...
 That even when you think you have no more to give, if
 a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.   I Believe...
 That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.   I Believe...
 That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.   I Believe....
 That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

They just make the most of everything. Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life…… 

Accepting Yourself

Once not so very long ago I didn't know who I was, this caused me problems. By not knowing who I was I didn't know how to like myself and by not liking myself I could not allow others to really know me and like me. At the time that this was going on I didn't realize that I wasn't letting friends and family really know  who I was and I didn't know that I wasn't allowing anyone into my heart. By opening myself and learning about who I am and realizing that I am worth loving myself and letting other people, including my family love me I have found that was exactly what I was doing. I was very closed and very unprepared to have anyone in my life loving my and accepting me for who I am. I did not even accept me as I was. 

After many counselors and people had told me that I needed to accept and forgive myself, I finally realized that there might be something to what they were saying. It is so hard to believe others when they are telling you things that you do not necessarily want to hear them. I was firmly set in the belief that I was not worth loving and I did not know how I fit in to the mix of life. This is how I set forth on my journey of healing was to find out how I fit and who I was. I had dwindled away into nothing and felt like I was no one, but I knew that there was a greater being out there that knew who I was and how I belonged, these were questions I had been asking for a long time.

This week with losing my sister, I have found that she was trying to find a lot of the same answers to the same questions I have had now and in the past. She may have looked in some of the wrong places, but so did I. She was a woman who was faithful and trying to heal. She loved her children and family and wanted to make a difference in her life. Her life has ended too soon and now I want to make sure that her legacy goes on. Reach out to the people in your life, don't be afraid to ask for help. Friends and family love you and want you to be with them and want to help you get help and want to help you. We are all worthy of love and forgiveness! Forgive yourself for what you have done and love yourself. Let your friends and family close to you. Share your feelings with them, share your fears, hopes and happiness. It is important to get the help and to seek health, but it is also important to be wary of doctors and their medications. 

Happiness and health come within and with the guidance of faith, not from other sources. It is necessary to feel in this life, especially to feel love.

I am taking the time to begin writing this diary for many reasons, to share the recovery experiences I have had from my depression and eating disorders, the many blessings that I have been given with my family and new husband and being able to get myself out of debt this past year and now the positive healing that my family is going through with the loss of my sister this past week.

I want to not only share my experiences but give hope to others looking for recovery and wondering if they will find a glimmer of that shining hope in the murky depths when searching for God and health and love. I want to let others know that there is someone out here that knows what you are going through, that has been through not loving themselves but now does and will tell you that you can love yourself and others do love you.

I want you to know that you are not alone. You have family, God, friends and hope. I want to give information and an ear that will listen. I want to send a message and receive from all of you out there what ever you need to send to me. I hope I am making some sense to you, but this is my first time doing anything like this. Please bare with me and allow me to give you hope and again a little love and friendship.

This is my little gift to my niece and nephew, and for my children all the hope in the world that I can give them!!!

faithfully driven