The Beauty in Each Day

While I was learning about how to survive and gain my health back while I was so sick I had a terrible time understanding that each day was to be cherished. I was not even able to enjoy the fact that I was able to wake up each morning and see the sunlight. Once I was beginning to feel more health and think, "I am on the road to recovery," I began to believe the sayings, "Take thinks one day at a time" and "Enjoy each day you are given."

The first years that I lived in Ohio, I lied to myself and said that I was fully recovered from my bulimia, unfortunately that was not true, I was experiencing much of my bulimic behaviors throughout those years. The reality is that until my separation from my first husband, the freedom to become a fully functioning person who is comfortable with myself and able to freely express my thoughts and feelings without the need to delve into my addictive or disordered behaviors. Please do not mistake this as an implication that I am assigning blame to my former husband, I am not, the blame is solely my own, I am simply stating that I was finally comfortable and free enough to face myself, my fears and my faults and attempt to overcome the difficulties that I was having. I no longer had someone to lean on, I had to do for myself, I was determined to make it on my own. I decided that I had been "different" long enough. I wanted to be resourceful and resilient.

At the time of my separation, I was in terrible financial trouble, our debts had built up tremendously and I had no idea how to get out of this fiasco. I had to sell our house, downsize my car to one I hated and get an apartment, the first one I had ever had. I was on my own with my youngest son. I was excited to finally be on my own, but nervous because I never had been and was not sure how we were going to make it. I had bills out the wahzoo!!! Just beginning with the medical bills, to the house bills that were behind to the credit cards we had been living off of and now the expenses of the apartment. I had been using the budget my husband had set up and attempting to pay off small portions of the bills, everyone except the mortgage company was appeased. Once I was able to sell the house things began to look up, in small ways.

By January of 2008, I was having considerable difficulty having enough money for food. I did not want to ask my parents for any money, I knew they were having problems of their own. I decided at that time that I wanted to complete my master's degree in special education. I spoke with a couple of universities about their online programs and decided on the program that fit my needs and then applied for a student loan. I had never asked anyone for money, as part of my need to be able to do everything for myself I had always believed it was a failure of mine if I had to ask for anything, but I decided this time to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I was awarded financial aid for continuing my education, although I have to pay this money back, I was very excited.

Looking at the events that have led up to today, three classes away from graduation from my program, newly and happily married and enjoying each day for the special and different day that it is, I am amazed at the things that have led me here.