While I was learning about how to survive and gain my health back while I was so sick I had a terrible time understanding that each day was to be cherished. I was not even able to enjoy the fact that I was able to wake up each morning and see the sunlight. Once I was beginning to feel more health and think, "I am on the road to recovery," I began to believe the sayings, "Take thinks one day at a time" and "Enjoy each day you are given."
The first years that I lived in Ohio, I lied to myself and said that I was fully recovered from my bulimia, unfortunately that was not true, I was experiencing much of my bulimic behaviors throughout those years. The reality is that until my separation from my first husband, the freedom to become a fully functioning person who is comfortable with myself and able to freely express my thoughts and feelings without the need to delve into my addictive or disordered behaviors. Please do not mistake this as an implication that I am assigning blame to my former husband, I am not, the blame is solely my own, I am simply stating that I was finally comfortable and free enough to face myself, my fears and my faults and attempt to overcome the difficulties that I was having. I no longer had someone to lean on, I had to do for myself, I was determined to make it on my own. I decided that I had been "different" long enough. I wanted to be resourceful and resilient.
At the time of my separation, I was in terrible financial trouble, our debts had built up tremendously and I had no idea how to get out of this fiasco. I had to sell our house, downsize my car to one I hated and get an apartment, the first one I had ever had. I was on my own with my youngest son. I was excited to finally be on my own, but nervous because I never had been and was not sure how we were going to make it. I had bills out the wahzoo!!! Just beginning with the medical bills, to the house bills that were behind to the credit cards we had been living off of and now the expenses of the apartment. I had been using the budget my husband had set up and attempting to pay off small portions of the bills, everyone except the mortgage company was appeased. Once I was able to sell the house things began to look up, in small ways.
By January of 2008, I was having considerable difficulty having enough money for food. I did not want to ask my parents for any money, I knew they were having problems of their own. I decided at that time that I wanted to complete my master's degree in special education. I spoke with a couple of universities about their online programs and decided on the program that fit my needs and then applied for a student loan. I had never asked anyone for money, as part of my need to be able to do everything for myself I had always believed it was a failure of mine if I had to ask for anything, but I decided this time to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I was awarded financial aid for continuing my education, although I have to pay this money back, I was very excited.
Looking at the events that have led up to today, three classes away from graduation from my program, newly and happily married and enjoying each day for the special and different day that it is, I am amazed at the things that have led me here.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
One Day at a Time
Today was a very productive day, one of those days that you can look back on and say, "Well, I did accomplish a lot today, even a little more that I thought I would!" My mom and I made an afternoon of running a lot of little errands that needed to be run. It was great spending the day with her and getting her out of the house before her surgery, Monday.
Both my mom and I have had similar reactions to the loss of my sister, I think, neither of us have been terribly motivated to go out and do very much or be around too many people, other than family. Being able to spend the day with my mom made it a great day in itself, but it was also a lovely warm day in Charleston. We drove to Mt. Pleasant to take money and a camera to my dad. He is in charge of a youth leadership conference that is taking place there this week, my son Christopher is taking part in the conference as a participant. It was a nice drive to Patriot's Point where the Yorktown is docked. There were many people visiting Patriot's Point and the area was very busy while we waited for my dad came out to the breezway to meet my mom and me.
We were also able to visit with my grandmother this afternoon, though during most of the visit the nurse's assistant was giving my grandmother a shower. Once we did get a chance to visit with her it was nice to see that she recognized who we were. She even was able to tell us what she wanted and what was wrong with her. The only problem that she was having today was that the words she was saying did not sound correct, I am not sure she has not had another small stroke. Mom commented that grandma's right sid was not moving right or was weaker than it had been earlier in the week. I was excited to see that she was happy to see us, she recognized us and she did recognize that she was in her own room.
Each day is a different day for me, some days are more difficult than others. I find that I have to take it one day at a time. When I was first in recovery I found that this was the only way to make it through each trial. I had to use self talk and reminders to help myself remember to take one step at a time or remember that I was worth recovery. It is not so difficult to make each day happy and wonderful now that I am recovered, but there are times when I still need to use that self talk or postive motivators to get through difficult times.
Both my mom and I have had similar reactions to the loss of my sister, I think, neither of us have been terribly motivated to go out and do very much or be around too many people, other than family. Being able to spend the day with my mom made it a great day in itself, but it was also a lovely warm day in Charleston. We drove to Mt. Pleasant to take money and a camera to my dad. He is in charge of a youth leadership conference that is taking place there this week, my son Christopher is taking part in the conference as a participant. It was a nice drive to Patriot's Point where the Yorktown is docked. There were many people visiting Patriot's Point and the area was very busy while we waited for my dad came out to the breezway to meet my mom and me.
We were also able to visit with my grandmother this afternoon, though during most of the visit the nurse's assistant was giving my grandmother a shower. Once we did get a chance to visit with her it was nice to see that she recognized who we were. She even was able to tell us what she wanted and what was wrong with her. The only problem that she was having today was that the words she was saying did not sound correct, I am not sure she has not had another small stroke. Mom commented that grandma's right sid was not moving right or was weaker than it had been earlier in the week. I was excited to see that she was happy to see us, she recognized us and she did recognize that she was in her own room.
Each day is a different day for me, some days are more difficult than others. I find that I have to take it one day at a time. When I was first in recovery I found that this was the only way to make it through each trial. I had to use self talk and reminders to help myself remember to take one step at a time or remember that I was worth recovery. It is not so difficult to make each day happy and wonderful now that I am recovered, but there are times when I still need to use that self talk or postive motivators to get through difficult times.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Hope
Hope is a wonderful thing,
Something to be cherished and nurtured,
And something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us,
And it can bring light into the darkest of places.
Something to be cherished and nurtured,
And something that will refresh us in return.
And it can be found in each of us,
And it can bring light into the darkest of places.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thinking
I was reading about the thinking of people with eating disorders, addictions and other obsessive thinking and found that many professionals think that the person with these disorders think that the thinking is all about the addiction itself. I think that this would be a faulty type of thinking, yes at some point it does become all about the addiction when the ill person is no longer able to "think rationally" and is actually ill. But, when the original cycle began the thinking of the anorexic or alcoholic was not all about I have to not eat because I am fat(even though in actuality my weight is 72 lbs.) or drink that next whisky because this may be the last drink I may ever have. There is an actual root of the problem that these professionals are not seeing. The anorexic or bulimic is possibly thinking of controlling weight only because at the root of their problem they have never felt like they have had control of anything and have never felt like they have been meaningful to anyone at all in their lifetime. By controlling their weight, the only thing they feel the can control they feel that they can control whether they are existing in this life or not. Their evidence in life is actually recorded by their size and existence, fading when not feeling meaningful and gaining when feeling somewhat more meaningful. The same holds true for other addictions. When a person is feeling more confident with themselves they are more likely not to exhibit their addictive behaviors, but when feeling more defensive and less confident they are likely to express their feelings throught their behaviors and addictive behaviors become more evident.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Quotes from recovering anorexics found on the website www.something-fishy.org that describe
If You Really Knew Me You'd Know That...
1. I desperately want to be accepted.
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle.
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am.
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. My eating disorder is not the problem; it is the symptom of my real problems.
8. Sometimes I want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes I just want you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard.
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the water down deep.
10. At the start of the next day, even before I brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop from hurting myself or anyone around me.
11. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self-love, the negativity, the criticisms, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease.
12. I really do care about you more than you will ever know.
to be continued....
If You Really Knew Me You'd Know That...
1. I desperately want to be accepted.
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle.
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am.
4. I have a hard time with the concept of forgiving.
5. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do.
6. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and there is nothing wrong with that.
7. My eating disorder is not the problem; it is the symptom of my real problems.
8. Sometimes I want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions. Sometimes I just want you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard.
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the water down deep.
10. At the start of the next day, even before I brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop from hurting myself or anyone around me.
11. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self-love, the negativity, the criticisms, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease.
12. I really do care about you more than you will ever know.
to be continued....
Thursday, June 11, 2009
A Child's Faith
I have lacked direction and not been doing as I had originally planned with this blog... Now it is time to tell the story I was going to tell, rather that aimlessly drone on about a variety of subjects.
I have few memories of growing up, but the few I have are mostly happy ones, family vacations to Disney, Christmas, going to the circus or day trips to tour a plantation. My family and I did not go to church every Sunday, but we did spend each Sunday together and somehow through the years I know they instilled a very solid faith in me. By the time I was a teenage girl I knew that I had a very good relationship with God, I knew He loved me and was looking after me. Like all teenagers though I did not feel secure in who I was. I had questions about myself and did not feel comfortable with my changing body and the awkwardness of being a teenage girl.
I was a quiet person and often stayed in my room reading and listening to music. I did not have many friends and my sister had many. My family moved around a lot because my father was a Navy helocopter pilot and as easy as it was for my sister to make friends it was that difficult for me to make them. I was shy and quiet and uncomfortable around strangers and never was good at making small talk.
When I was older I continued to look and look and believe that God was there for me. Even at my very lowest point and lonliest days I knew that I was not really alone. I did go to church with my grandmother while I was in college while we were living together. One day while I was there I was amazed by a realization that God was speaking to me and saying that I was loved and that I was needed here on earth to still do something. I did not yet understand what I had to do, but I knew that my time was not over. We had a friend in that church who moved me tremendously. He was the most giving gentleman, he suffered from cancer for years but still gave to the chuch by seating and greeting people each Sunday he even made the most beautiful painted pins for everyone in the church at Christmas. I still remember the generosity of this wonderful man, he was very inspiring.
I have few memories of growing up, but the few I have are mostly happy ones, family vacations to Disney, Christmas, going to the circus or day trips to tour a plantation. My family and I did not go to church every Sunday, but we did spend each Sunday together and somehow through the years I know they instilled a very solid faith in me. By the time I was a teenage girl I knew that I had a very good relationship with God, I knew He loved me and was looking after me. Like all teenagers though I did not feel secure in who I was. I had questions about myself and did not feel comfortable with my changing body and the awkwardness of being a teenage girl.
I was a quiet person and often stayed in my room reading and listening to music. I did not have many friends and my sister had many. My family moved around a lot because my father was a Navy helocopter pilot and as easy as it was for my sister to make friends it was that difficult for me to make them. I was shy and quiet and uncomfortable around strangers and never was good at making small talk.
When I was older I continued to look and look and believe that God was there for me. Even at my very lowest point and lonliest days I knew that I was not really alone. I did go to church with my grandmother while I was in college while we were living together. One day while I was there I was amazed by a realization that God was speaking to me and saying that I was loved and that I was needed here on earth to still do something. I did not yet understand what I had to do, but I knew that my time was not over. We had a friend in that church who moved me tremendously. He was the most giving gentleman, he suffered from cancer for years but still gave to the chuch by seating and greeting people each Sunday he even made the most beautiful painted pins for everyone in the church at Christmas. I still remember the generosity of this wonderful man, he was very inspiring.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Sisterly Love
I have spent several days now with my parents, son, niece and nephew. The visit has gone very well and I have been happy to have this time to spend with them. Although everyone is still dealing with the loss of my sister in different ways, we are all able to talk and share our feelings with each other. We found out yesterday that Audra died of pneumonia, she had not gone to the doctor since being told she was having an anxiety attack and was not taking medication for a persistant cough.
My sister had been attempting to get her life back together by getting off of pain medication and attempting to re-establish her credit. She had a goal in life and taken the bull by the horns. She was a go getter and was determined to make her way in life. She was determined to survive no matter what.
This past April at my wedding I saw the sister I knew and loved. I saw the smile and bright shining eyes and I saw the spunk in her that I had not seen in some time. I knew she was going to make it and she did!!! My sister survived and made the step into a healthy new life. She was drug-free when she died and happy. She had her faith and knew what steps she was taking to take back her life. I believe she was successfully finding her path back to independence. Audra was a beautiful woman, fun to be with and always a great laugh. I miss her very much, she is, was and always will be my very best friend.
We had arguments like sisters do, but we always knew that we would always be there for each other. She and I were very centered with each other since the wedding. She was happy for me and I was very supportive of her. I have been very comforted by stories of my sister's recovery process and feel that she was confident in her recovery. I do wish my sister were here now, though. I want to share in her success and cry when we both stumble. I want to tell her about the children and just hold her. I miss just sitting with her and chatting. I want to tell her one more time how much I love her.
My sister had been attempting to get her life back together by getting off of pain medication and attempting to re-establish her credit. She had a goal in life and taken the bull by the horns. She was a go getter and was determined to make her way in life. She was determined to survive no matter what.
This past April at my wedding I saw the sister I knew and loved. I saw the smile and bright shining eyes and I saw the spunk in her that I had not seen in some time. I knew she was going to make it and she did!!! My sister survived and made the step into a healthy new life. She was drug-free when she died and happy. She had her faith and knew what steps she was taking to take back her life. I believe she was successfully finding her path back to independence. Audra was a beautiful woman, fun to be with and always a great laugh. I miss her very much, she is, was and always will be my very best friend.
We had arguments like sisters do, but we always knew that we would always be there for each other. She and I were very centered with each other since the wedding. She was happy for me and I was very supportive of her. I have been very comforted by stories of my sister's recovery process and feel that she was confident in her recovery. I do wish my sister were here now, though. I want to share in her success and cry when we both stumble. I want to tell her about the children and just hold her. I miss just sitting with her and chatting. I want to tell her one more time how much I love her.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Grace
Today as I was driving I was listening to The Shack on CD and was once again inspired by the glory and grace of God. I have said before that it is by God's grace that I live, it is also by His grace that I love and am able to forgive. I love this life and hope to live it as fully and meaningfully and He wants me to live it. The Shack beautifully described the trinity and gave a grand description of a relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. If I was a gifted author this is how I would have described my relationship with the trinity. Through this glorious story, I was able to more fully realize my relationship with each and understand more fully how each fit into my life. When I was sick I searched and searched for a way to become well. I tried any way others would suggest in an attempt to gain wellness. I found the only way to get well for me was to put all my trust in God, I had to release all my control to Him and forgive myself and all others. I had to become completely humble in my life and realize that I was loved and worthy of being loved. This story is a very humbling story, it breaks relationships down to the simplest elements.
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