Let us come near to God with a sincere heart and sure faith, because we have been made free from a guilty conscience...    Hebrews 10:22

It is my belief that by God's grace we have been given this life as a gift and we should live it to the fullest and with the most honest heart and faith in God. We should live each day as if it was our last and if it was a gift, because it was and the people that we have in our lives are gifts to us as much as the breath we breathe. 

We should be grateful for the gifts that we have been given and say thank you often and exuberantly! 

Today was a warm, sunny, beautiful day. It was wonderful to be out with my family away from the house doing something besides working. We went to the park to take the canoe around the lake and then up the river. It was lovely to be outside and it was peaceful on the lake. Once we got out of the canoe we took a short hike up a path on that leads around the lake. This was a small state park near our apartment and we were only on the lake and river for about two hours. 

I still find my mind wandering a lot lately and can't really focus on any one particular thing. I still think a lot about my sister and really thought about her while I was walking through the woods. I have always loved taking hikes and seeing things in nature, she would not have enjoyed today unless she could have sunbathed. She loved a good tanning session. I love the peacefulness of nature and how we can observe without invading or intruding into an animal's life. 

I enjoyed today being able to walk along the path, I feel that that's what I am doing right now treading along a path trying to find my way. Friday, I found out that I only have three classes left to complete my master's degree. This is exciting for me, it is the completion of a degree I am attempting to complete for the second time. I was sidetracked once before by moving my family to Ohio when I only had two classes left to complete my degree. I have felt a little distracted these past few weeks, but I will complete my degree, it means too much to me. It is a goal I set for myself, I am still aiming for it and I intend to attain it. 

I am glad to have this diary, it does help me focus. I hope others out there will find this refreshing to know that there is hope and the power of positive thinking. I have my family, my mom and dad, my husband and two sons, a niece and a nephew, not to mention three dogs and two cats. I love them all very much!! 

To Go With The Flow

I have four days until I am officially unemployed and in some ways I find myself feeling a little panicky. I decided last year that I was not happy with my current position as a resource teacher and that I was going to go back to my roots in teaching children with severe and profound disabilities. I then decided that I was not completely happy being in the classroom and thought maybe I wanted to work primarily with families and children in a more holistic way. I have not completely meshed out how I am going to go with that. I was thinking about a respite care program that incorporated a center based and home based program. I want to serve children in the preschool setting as well as offer after school sessions that provide homework, reading and computer sessions. The computer sessions would provide lessons with math and reading comprehension and fluency. I also want to provide a  home based respite care program for families and care providers of children with disabilities and serious illness. Now that I am also working through other dreams I am trying to tie into my ideal job such as sharing how to live life to the fullest and healing fully from addiction, I guess I am hoping this diary will help me to work out my jumbled up life and feelings. If anyone out there has any wonderful ideas out there please feel free to share with me. I am very hopeful, but very confused. 

I Believe... That just because two people argue, thatdoesn't mean they don't love each other. 
 And just because they don'targue, that
 doesn't mean they do love each other. I Believe...
 That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,  
 but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. I Believe...
 That we don't have to change friends if
 we understand that friends change. I Believe...
 That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I Believe....
 That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.I Believe... 
 That you can do something in an instant
 that will give you heartache for life. I Believe...
 That it's taking me a long time
 to become the person I want to be. I Believe...
 That you should always leave loved ones with
 loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I Believe... 
 That you can keep going long after you think you can't. I Believe...
 That we are responsible for what
 we do, no matter how we feel.   I Believe.....
 That either you control your attitude or it controls you.   I Believe...
 That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.  I Believe...
 That money is a lousy way of keeping score.   I Believe...
 That my best friend and I can do anything, or nothing, and have the best time. I Believe...
 That sometimes the people you expect to kick you When you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.    I Believe...
 That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had, and what you've learned from them.....and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.I Believe...
 That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself. I Believe...
 That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief. I Believe...
 That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
 but we are responsible for who we become.   I Believe...
 That you shouldn't be so eager to find
 out a secret. It could change your life Forever.   I Believe...
 Two people can look at the exact same
 thing and see something totally different.   I Believe...
 That your life can be changed in a matter of
 hours by people who don't even know you.   I Believe...
 That even when you think you have no more to give, if
 a friend cries out to you........you will find the strength to help.   I Believe...
 That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.   I Believe...
 That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.   I Believe....
 That you should send this to all of the people that you believe in. I just did. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;

They just make the most of everything. Thank you God for all the wonderful people who help us throughout the journey of life…… 

Accepting Yourself

Once not so very long ago I didn't know who I was, this caused me problems. By not knowing who I was I didn't know how to like myself and by not liking myself I could not allow others to really know me and like me. At the time that this was going on I didn't realize that I wasn't letting friends and family really know  who I was and I didn't know that I wasn't allowing anyone into my heart. By opening myself and learning about who I am and realizing that I am worth loving myself and letting other people, including my family love me I have found that was exactly what I was doing. I was very closed and very unprepared to have anyone in my life loving my and accepting me for who I am. I did not even accept me as I was. 

After many counselors and people had told me that I needed to accept and forgive myself, I finally realized that there might be something to what they were saying. It is so hard to believe others when they are telling you things that you do not necessarily want to hear them. I was firmly set in the belief that I was not worth loving and I did not know how I fit in to the mix of life. This is how I set forth on my journey of healing was to find out how I fit and who I was. I had dwindled away into nothing and felt like I was no one, but I knew that there was a greater being out there that knew who I was and how I belonged, these were questions I had been asking for a long time.

This week with losing my sister, I have found that she was trying to find a lot of the same answers to the same questions I have had now and in the past. She may have looked in some of the wrong places, but so did I. She was a woman who was faithful and trying to heal. She loved her children and family and wanted to make a difference in her life. Her life has ended too soon and now I want to make sure that her legacy goes on. Reach out to the people in your life, don't be afraid to ask for help. Friends and family love you and want you to be with them and want to help you get help and want to help you. We are all worthy of love and forgiveness! Forgive yourself for what you have done and love yourself. Let your friends and family close to you. Share your feelings with them, share your fears, hopes and happiness. It is important to get the help and to seek health, but it is also important to be wary of doctors and their medications. 

Happiness and health come within and with the guidance of faith, not from other sources. It is necessary to feel in this life, especially to feel love.

I am taking the time to begin writing this diary for many reasons, to share the recovery experiences I have had from my depression and eating disorders, the many blessings that I have been given with my family and new husband and being able to get myself out of debt this past year and now the positive healing that my family is going through with the loss of my sister this past week.

I want to not only share my experiences but give hope to others looking for recovery and wondering if they will find a glimmer of that shining hope in the murky depths when searching for God and health and love. I want to let others know that there is someone out here that knows what you are going through, that has been through not loving themselves but now does and will tell you that you can love yourself and others do love you.

I want you to know that you are not alone. You have family, God, friends and hope. I want to give information and an ear that will listen. I want to send a message and receive from all of you out there what ever you need to send to me. I hope I am making some sense to you, but this is my first time doing anything like this. Please bare with me and allow me to give you hope and again a little love and friendship.

This is my little gift to my niece and nephew, and for my children all the hope in the world that I can give them!!!

faithfully driven